The Shape of Grief

Personal Blog Nosh Magazine {Originally posted on}

Over one year later, I am still discovering the shape of my grief over the loss of my uterus.

I miss a thing I could never see. I have no documentation of its existence. It does not show up in family photo albums. My clothing fits as it did before the surgery. I never touched it with my hands. I cannot trace its outlines in pictures or where it is no longer on my body.

The only evidence that it was ever here is a pregnancy test that I keep pushing to the back of the bathroom cupboard behind the cleaning supplies.

I do not like that it was cut up into tiny pieces and vacuumed out of me. I do not like that it became medical waste. No part of any body should be made into medical waste. Our bodies hold far too much power, far too much meaning, to be so degraded.

I am angry that I could not take it with me, that I could not find my own place to put to it to rest. I hate not knowing where its pieces are. I imagine it having its own sapling beneath which it could rest and feed its growth. I need to imagine it being less alone.

The shape of this grief is little more than a chronological line between two points, from there to here. It has yet find its flesh.

Editor’s pick by Amy of Doobleh-vay. Schmutzie is one of my daily reads. I love her writing and I found her blog last Spring when she had discovered she had cervical cancer. I have been happy to read along with her as she recovered and I was blessed to meet her at BlogHer this summer. She has been so open about her fight and her gift is her writing as she can make you laugh and cry and shake yr head as easily as she steals yr heart.

Read this post about her life list goals and see what I mean about her.

She is just special. Check out her beautiful blog today!

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13 Comments to “The Shape of Grief”

  1. schmutzie says:

    Thanks for the shout out!

  2. Dr. Karen Rayne says:

    Thank you for sharing, Schmutzie.

    • Helen

      morriJohnny! I posted a coemmnt once before about the use of male models, etc. Now that I understand about your muse, I have no objections at all. As a matter of fact, as muses usually are, she is quite lovely and it is good that Spinfuel has a face . I like this idea!!Keep up the most excellent and artistic work. :) Morri

    • Adam

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  3. Angella says:

    Wow, Schmutzie. This is powerful. Thank you for sharing your grief.

    Angellas last blog post..On Adultery

  4. Amanda says:

    This was exquisite and done in just exactly the words it took, spare yet robust.

    Amandas last blog post..I wonder…

  5. Mr Lady

    Oh, Schmutzie. You will never cease to amaze me. I’m totally going to be you when I grow up.

    Mr Ladys last blog post..Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Judged

  6. Nikki says:

    I’m moved. I wanna be you when I grow up, too.

  7. loraleechoate says:

    This would be part of the reason why I freaked, squeed and jumped up and down when I met Schmutzie. She’s amazing.

  8. Schmutzie, I will never know how you write so much with so few words. Amazing.

    Missives From Suburbias last blog post..Spit and Determination

  9. I love Schmutzie, and this post was amazing. Excellent pick.

    maggie, dammits last blog post..Love Letter

  10. Dare

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